Season (P)Review

So as a season review, I am going to do potentially the most confusing and inconsistent post I could possibly come up with. I have taken my season preview and changed it so that basically everything I say is an accurate depiction of what happened this season. I have literally copied and pasted the exact "Season Preview" post from March, and I have crossed out things that I want to take out, and I have added things that are in bold italics. I think I'm hilarious, so I thought this was pretty good. But I am convinced it probably will make no sense to anyone who is not me, and for that I am deeply sorry. Sorry enough to change it? No. But sorry nonetheless. Consider this payback for you asking me not nearly enough questions for a Playoff Male Bag that should be coming out tomorrow. There's still time though! It's never too late! You can still make it in the Male Bag! (This is me semi-subtly begging you to ask questions or make comments by tomorrow afternoon). But before we get to that Male Bag, here is your 2011 Season (P)Review!

Of the 45 baseball "experts" on ESPN.com, 27 of them have our beloved Phillies going to the World Series. It seems that everyone who has ever heard of baseball believes that the Phils are going to be matched up against the Red Sox who knows what AL team in the 2011 World Series. As much as I would love to see the Phils back in the Fall Classic, I think we should first take a good look at how realistic that is.

I'm going to start out being extra as negative as possible. This way, we can all feel a lot better about ourselves by the time I get to the end of this. We'll go with a "The Good Great, the Bad Surprisingly Good, and the Ugly Not So Bad" theme on this, but it's going to happen in reverse. Although "The Ugly Not So Bad, the Bad Surprisingly Good, and the Good Great " most certainly does not have the same ring to it.

The Ugley Not So Bad:

Did I just spell "ugly" wrong? Or does the current status of Baseball's knee bother me that much? I'm gonna go with the latter on this one. The best news I've heard about Chase's knee is that he's starting the season on the 15-day DL, suggesting that he may only be out 15 days. The worst news I've heard is that he could miss the whole season. Will either one of those things happen? My guess is no. But I definitely think we are looking at a solid month and a half at the very least, and maybe through the All Star break. What is so ugly about this? Besides the obvious (WE WON'T HAVE CHASE UTLEY), this puts Ryan Howard in a terrible less than perfect situation, and, thus, our entire lineup really, but not the worst because I think we acquire Hunter Pence at the deadline. Howard has had the luxury his entire career of having Utley get on base in front of him and having Jayson Werth or Pat Burrell protect him from the 5th spot. This year, he'll have 74-year-old Raul Raoops Ibanez Suckhole hitting behind him for half the season until we get Pence. Without the threat of Utley or Werth, Howard will be stranded on an island in the middle of our batting order. Can he produce like he has in the past? Doubtful. Will his on-base percentage be at an all-time high? I would think. No, not at all. If I'm playing the Phillies, I never give him a pitch to hit. Expect to see the Big Man walking to first A LOT an average amount this season.

The Bad Surprisingly Good:

· The bullpen. What was definitely our biggest need going into the offseason got completely ignored (well, not completely, if you consider the fact that our top 4 starters will pitch 7-9 innings every outing). Madson, Contreras, and Lidge were great last season, but Lidge is hurt (aka Lidge is on the Phillies), and we don't know how long that injury or its effects will last. In the meantime, no one else knows how to close. Yikes Ryan Madson can step very nicely into the closer’s role and dominate. Along with that, Antonio Bastardo and Michael Stutes will surprisingly lock down our bullpen for much of the season. I’ve got a good feeling about those guys. Especially Bastardo. Well…until September.

· Anything on our team starting with "right." Right-handed hitters are a thing of the past in Philadelphia, and our rightfielder is still a mystery (mostly because I don't want to admit that Ben Francisco is an everyday player in the major leagues and I fear it will take WAY too long to realize that John Mayberry is awesome). We do not have a single right-handed bat in our lineup that could be considered even somewhat of a power threat other than John Mayberry once he gets to start playing. And with Domonic Brown out with a broken hand to start the season, we lose that potential power in favor of Joe Camel and John Mayberry, who is actually better than Dom. I am hoping that John Mayberry gets some nice playing time at the beginning of the year and throughout, if for no other reason than to simply see if his father can be properly identified in the stands. And not just call any random person his dad just because said guy was black and happy after John's first career home run. (Fox sucks. And so does Joe Buck) I also want him to play because he’s effin’ good.

The Good Great:

Cole Hamels is our 4th starter.

Let's recap that last statement.

Cole Hamels (yes, Cole Hamels) is our 4th (as in not the best, 2nd best, or 3rd best) starter. What does this mean? We have 3 pitchers who are better than Cole Hamels. (than Cole Hamels!) I’m not sure if that will actually hold up, though, because Cole is way too good and Roy Oswalt seems old. Also, if tornadoes hit the southeast, he may have to go save his family. But on the off chance that doesn’t happen… The Braves' 4th starter is Jrrr Jrrrjrrjrrrs (or however you spell/pronounce his name). Not bad, but not Cole Hamels. OK, so he’s pretty good if he stays healthy. But he won’t. The Yankees' is Freddy Garcia. Not bad, but still not Cole Hamels. Cole legitimately should have won the 2008 Cy Young had he been given any run support. And he is our 4th starter. (At least to start the year)

With all of that being said, here is my impression on the upcoming season. We don't easily get the 96.5 wins that Vegas is putting us at, mostly because we don't have need much of an offense. That sounds crazy, but it's pretty true if you look at the last few seasons our pitching staff. We should win any game in which we score four 2 runs, but I truly worry about us scoring four 2 runs the first half of this season. We should will easily win the NL East, but and the Braves are definitely going to be tough hilariously pathetic come September. We should win the NL this season, but it's going to come down to our hitting in October, something we couldn't do last season. With what some people believe is our best team of the past 5 seasons, I somehow feel the least confident with this group. Pitching will get us very far, but I know that the bats will need to be alive in order for us to be truly successful.

So here are 7 predictions for the season. Why 7? Because I feel like it. That's why. And because I think that’ll be the total number of runs scored in the game that finishes the Braves’ epic collapse.

1. Joe Blanton Vance Worley will get 15 11 wins this season. At least to start the season, he should be facing better than the worst pitcher on the other our team. And don't you kind of get the feeling that he'll be the only one that the bats decide to hit for? I mean, I know it sounds crazy, seeing as he’s down in Lehigh Valley right now, but I have a good feeling about this guy.

2. Roy Oswalt Halladay will have the lowest ERA on the team. Just because I feel like no one is talking about him. Halladay won the Cy Young, everyone loves Cliff, and Cole is a lifetime Phillie. he’s a total beast.

3. Michael Martinez will become our everyday 2nd baseman. Until Chase is back, I feel like this guy that no one has ever heard of could randomly start turning some heads. I love Rule V guys, and he's just that. And I think names like Michael Martinez are hilarious. He's from the Dominican Republic. Why not name your kid Miguel? I could probably come up with a better prediction than this, and I don’t think it’ll actually happen, but whatever. Get off my back

4. Rollins will hit .300 .270ish. He's never done it before, and this feels like a year where someone will need to step up big on offense in the absence of Chase and Werth. Jimmy should feel like that's on him. ‘Cause that’s, like, right around his career average. So…yeah. Exciting prediction I know.

5. John Mayberry will hit 15 home runs. Mostly because I wanted him to last year. And because he’s the man. And because I’m in love with him. And it’ll only be such a low number because Uncle Chuck will, for some reason, never let him play consistently

6. Ryan Howard will win a Gold Glove the lottery. If for no other reason, because I'll look like a freakin' genius if this happens.

7. The Phillies will beat the White Sox Yankees in a 7 6-game World Series. I don't want to pick the Red Sox, so why not pick their arch nemesis arch nemesis to get there instead. And although I am skeptical about our offense beating the Cardinals if we have to face them in the playoffs, I can't honestly pick against us.