Male Bag: Volume III (Part 2)

This is the second installment of the third Male Bag. For the first installment, you can probably just scroll down. Or else you can click here. Yesterday had a distinct feeling of hatred toward the broadcast team. Today, we can focus more on the baseball team (for the most part)

Do you carry around business cards with the blog URL on them?

No, I unfortunately do not. Although, this is something that I should definitely look into. I imagine it would increase the chances of my blog becoming famous and me never having to work another day in my life. It's always flattering to get these types of questions from people. I know you're not serious, but it still is a nice reminder that people actually appreciate what I'm doing. Does anyone know where I can get business cards made up? Anyone want to design one? In the meantime, just tell your friends.

How do you feel about Wilson Valdez?

The answer to this question has changed drastically in the past month. I now, obviously, love Wilson Valdez and always will. He helped to get Phillies second basemen this season a win on the mound before they could hit a homerun. That's quite the impressive feat. He's been great at filling in for us over the past year, and I love him for that. I used to hate him, though, because of his tendency to ground into double plays. How often does he ground into a double play? Here's a true story from the Phils-Rangers game I went to this season: Valdez is up with 1 out and a runner on first. He hits a ground ball to the second baseman. The play is over and the Phanatic starts riding his four-wheeler out into the outfield. The rightfielder had to tell the Phanatic to go back because Wilson actually beat out the throw. Even the Phanatic has no faith in him. Here's a not-so-true story. Wilson Valdez once grounded into a double play with no one on base and 2 outs. Let's just say, he does it all the time. My mom has also pointed out many times that he bears a striking to Wilson the volleyball from the movie Castaway. Although a picture doesn't necessarily do it justice, pay attention next time they show his face. I agree with her.

How did you like PNC Park?

PNC Park is arguably the nicest ballpark in the country. And why not? The Pirates should at least have something going for them. Seriously, though, it is a great park. They have a lot more interesting things going on throughout a game than at The Cit. I guess when you win games, you don't need much else to get people to come out. Did you know the Pirates have Free Shirt Fridays? Every single Friday home game, you get a free Pirates t-shirt. How awesome is that? And the ticket will cost you something like 9 bucks. That's not even fair. Not to mention they have a Primanti Bros. inside the park. That's enough to make it the best park in the country.

How many first and second inning homers has Blanton given up?

The answer to this question actually shocked me. First of all, he's only given up 4 this season total. Of course, that's in just 34 innings. Compare that with Hamels' 5 homers in 104 innings and it looks like he sucks. It looks that way, though, mostly because he does. Let's not forget that. Of those 4 home runs though, only 2 have come in the first or second inning, and actually both were in the first. They also both occurred in his last start this season. So the reason this question was asked is probably because it was fresh in our minds. Blanton still bites though, and it's good to have him on the DL. (For the record, though, I think that Blanton would turn things around if he were to stay healthy. He has a knack for coming on strong as the season progresses.)

Since we all know that The Hangover is not the greatest thing to happen to the comedy genre, in your awesome opinion...what is?

This is something that was mentioned in the intro to the original Male Bag. And this is an easy question for me to answer. Dumb & Dumber. Without a doubt. I have always felt that it is one of the only true comedies. It never has that "Big Daddy Moment." What is a Big Daddy Moment? Glad you asked. It’s a term I came up with to describe that part in any comedy that can be compared to the moment in the movie Big Daddy when the kid is taken away by social services and even him yelling “I wipe my own ass” can’t make you even crack a smile unless you’re heartless or have some odd condition in which it is physically impossible for you to not be smiling. Kill me. Dumb & Dumber keeps things light the whole time. And all of this while still having a plot. Yes, there are movies that involve not a single serious moment, or their serious moments are overshadowed by the comedy put into them, but most of them are not even attempts at real movies, they are just movie spoofs or something like that. I’m not saying that Dumb & Dumber has the greatest or most complex plot in the world, but it does have one. And speaking of movies, apparently I've become some sort of expert movie critic through this blog as well...

How do you feel about the upcoming blockbuster hit Mr. Popper's Penguins?

First of all, this question made me "l o l" in the most literal interpretation of the acronym. Can I take this question seriously? I know that I'm not supposed to. Can I take this movie seriously? Can Jim Carrey take himself seriously? I mean, look at this movie poster. This is a real movie that Jim Carrey, star of the greatest comedy of all time, has decided would be a good career move. The movie is rated PG, which I didn't even know existed anymore. It gets 5.8 stars out of 10 on IMDB.com, which is basically like getting a C in my class, which is basically like getting a J in any other class... or some letter way below failing*. Apparently the plot of this movie includes Jim Carrey inheriting 6 penguins while living in a city. Can you imagine the wacky hijinks that ensue?!?! Spoiler alert: I bet they are extra wacky, and super awful

Mr. Koehler, you know everything...Why do baseball coaches wear uniforms?

This question was clearly asked by a student that I don't have in one of my actual classes (see footnote again). Without really knowing, the answer I gave to this kid was that a lot of managers were also players back in the day so they obviously had to wear uniforms. I told them that was a guess because I didn't really know. While that aspect is somewhat true, the real reason today is that the different coaches for a baseball team are required to be on the field at one point or another. The first base coach, the third base coach, the pitching coach, and the manager will all be on the field of play at some point throughout the game usually. That is not the case with any other sport. It is in the rule book that managers must wear uniforms.

Reyes or Jeter?

My good friend Dert and I went out for a beer Friday night, and we started playing some game where you just give the other person 2 options and they answer without really thinking, and I guess that is supposed to be the one they prefer. It's a weird game because I figured out I usually just say the second one either way, and then I change my answer 2 seconds later. At some point, though, Dert asked me the aforementioned question. Jeter was my answer and I stuck with it. And I will forever. I absolutely hate Jose Reyes. I hate him more than I hate the Phillies broadcast team. He is such whiny piece of crap who has no idea how to actually win baseball games. If he gets a hit or does something good, he celebrates like it's his first career everything and he's getting inducted into the Hall of Fame tomorrow. If he gets out, he complains and cries almost as if he's a Mets fan. Which he is not, because if he was, he would actually try to help them win. If I hear one more person talk about trading Rollins for Reyes, I will throw a chair. Rollins hates the Mets to his very core. Reyes probably doesn't give a crap because he only really knows how to like himself. He's everything that's wrong with the Mets - someone who should be awesome, has shown that he can be awesome, but can never actually do anything about it when it matters. I don't want a loser on my team. Jose Reyes is a loser. He does not win. He is someone who loses. A loser. Jimmy Rollins wins because that's what you're supposed to want to do as a professional athlete. I'll take Jimmy all day every day forever over Jose Reyes. If the Phillies get Jose Reyes, I will not watch a single game that he plays in.

I LOVE Stutes

So do I. He is one of the minor league players I have kept an eye on over the past few seasons, and it is nice to see him developing into a reliable reliever. Sometimes it is disappointing to not see those guys become starters, but the Phillies often make me realize that a bullpen is just as important as a starting rotation (not true at all, but go with me on this). Stutes and Bastardo are two players that I have loved for the past 2 or 3 seasons, and it makes me feel justified in choosing the youngins that I do seeing them maintain close leads game after game.

We should get into throwing the baseball

Playing catch is one of the most counter-productive things I can imagine at this point in my life. I understand the value it has for a young child, but as you get older, does it not just get boring? So I don't necessarily have a problem with throwing a baseball, I just think it is unbelievable to act like there is any type of challenge in throwing a tiny ball back and forth 20 yards and using a glove 5 times its size to catch it. How is it made interesting then? Create some type of challenge. Find a fence that you can use to practice robbing home runs. Throw the ball in a fashion that forces diving catches rather than just standing in one spot. Set up targets and try to hit them from far away. All viable options for throwing a baseball. A standard game of catch, though? Not for me.

What happened to Mayberry?

The coaching staff went insane is what happened to Mayberry. On June 5, Mayberry was sent down to Triple-A. Since that time, Ben Francisco and Michael Martinez (the people left up above him) are 6 for 29 with 0 RBI and one extra-base hit. WHAT ARE WE DOING??? I won't bring up Raul because I know we are not getting rid of him, and that is too frustrating to think about. But Francisco and Martinez have done NOTHING for us this season since the 2nd week of April. What is the benefit of having them play over Mayberry? I semi-understand trying to get him at bats daily down in Lehigh Valley, but I'd rather just keep him up and use him as a pinch hitter and have him play something like once a series since Ibanez bites. Is this so much to ask?

I just read your Braves recap. How can we get Uncle Chuck to start reading your blog?

Oh, stop. You're going to make me blush. My readers...too kind!

You, sir, are looking like you know what you are talking about

What'd I just say? Honestly, this is almost embarrassing. Look at how red my face is!

*For legal purposes and possible backlash when an administrator somewhere reads this, let me state for the record that I take my job as an educator very seriously, and I do not feel in any way that I give out grades that students have not earned. Did I really have to do this? Wow, what a buzzkill.