Cardinals Preview

Before the preview, let me just say that I had a blast writing that last 2-part Male Bag, and I have gotten great responses, new readers, and already a few questions for the next edition. What took me so long to start doing the Male Bag?

In the last Cardinals preview, I focused completely on Ryan Howard and his success against his hometown team. Well, he managed to go 0 for 5 in those 2 games with 3 walks and 3 strikeouts. The problem with that series is that it occurred in Philadelphia, though. Howard kills people in St. Louis (similar to far too many people in St. Louis), and we can plan to see that once again over the next few days. Although I said this before, it's worth repeating. In St. Louis, The Big Man is hitting .388 with 8 home runs, 21 RBI, and a 1.257 OPS in 21 games. These next 3 games should do nothing but add to those numbers. We hope

Meanwhile, the star first baseman that we were supposed to be facing in this series will not be around. Albert Pujols (along with my fantasy team) suffered a sprained right wrist over the weekend and will miss 4-6 weeks. I can't say I'm excited about him missing 4-6 weeks, but the next 3 days will at least be nice. He actually hasn't done that much damage against the Phils in his career, with only a .270 average, but the bottom line is he has the potential to single-handedly win any game for the Cardinals.

One sad thing about this series: the lack of flashbacks to the most hilarious moment in sports history, when Albert Pujols nearly ended Brad Lidge's career with the longest home run in recorded history. The ball landed somewhere in the panhandle of Oklahoma. With Lidge being out for both series' that we played the Cardinals in this season, and Pujols being out for this one, there is little to no chance we get to see this video on television this year. What a sad, sad day.

Another thing about Albert Pujols. He is one of those people who had no choice but to be the most athletic person in history. His last name is Pujols. Every once in a while you come across an athlete with a horrible horrible name that makes them worthy of countless bathroom stall beatings throughout their entire elementary, middle, and high school lives. They hope to one day marry someone with an awesome last name like "Diesel" or "Rockhammer" or something like that and then voluntarily change their name. They can never hope of one day making a list of The 9 Manliest Names in the World. Instead, they must figure out at an early age that sports are their greatest line of defense against a harsh world of awkwardly large kids without friends who want a reason to become a bully and pick on just about anyone else. So, hopefully, they can end up on a list more like this one or this one. Although the names are embarrassing, a 4.3 40-yard dash, 44-inch vertical leap, or 450-foot home run will quickly replace that laughter with pure awe. Congrats, Poo Holes. It took me about 4 or 5 seasons of you crushing big-league pitching to realize how awful your last name is.

Game 1: Roy Halladay (9-3, 2.56 ERA) vs. Kyle McClellan (6-3, 3.96 ERA)
McClellan has good numbers against our current roster, holding us to a .138 batting average in the just 29 career at bats we have against him. That type of experience is a good thing. It means we've basically seen him once and did nothing against him. This is normal, but now that we have the experience, we should be ready to unleash. Halladay has great career numbers against the Cardinals (2-0, 1.13 ERA), and he'll be looking to pick up his league-leading 10th win tonight.
Howard factor: 1 for 2 against McClellan with that 1 being a home run
Prediction: Phillies 7 Cardinals 0
Keep an eye out for: Halladay's first shutout of the season. I will now predict this in every one of his starts until it happens. This is getting old, Roy.

Game 2: Cliff Lee (7-5, 3.12 ERA) vs. Kyle Lohse (7-3, 2.88 ERA)
First of all, Kyle Lohse needs to take a look at his last name and figure out how to pronounce it. It's almost like he is dyslexic and decides to pronounce it Loesh. It's spelled L-O-H-S-E, bud. It should sound something more like Lowse (or, ya know, Lohse?). Now that I got that off my chest, can I just say that it's annoying how good he is? He has never been this good. Why now? Steroids, that's why! (No, not serious) We have decent career numbers against him and should be able to build upon them in this game. Our offense has been much better lately, and I expect Howard to spark us throughout this series. Lee should also look MUCH better than his first start against the Cards this year, when he walked 6. Gross.
Howard factor: 6 for 13 against Lohse with 1 home run and 6 RBI
Prediction: Phillies 6 Cardinals 2
Keep an eye out for: Domonic Brown going deep against Lohse. A right-handed pitcher he's never seen before. I interpret Dom's lack of experience against people as a "I'm too stupid to know any better, I'll just hit the ball really hard." And every time he is up to bat I swear he's gonna hit the ball into the next county.

Game 3: Roy Oswalt (4-5, 3.38 ERA) vs. Chris Carpenter (1-7, 4.47 ERA)
OK, so Roy Oswalt has to get going at some point, right?? I feel like I've said this for each of his past 5 starts, and nothing consistent has come up. What better time to start (a phrase that is getting all too familiar) than against a fellow struggling star pitcher? Carpenter has been shockingly bad this season. In an era where an ERA above 3 is basically average at this point, Carpenter is up at 4.47. Let's hope his struggles continue against us and we don't see the dominant Carpenter of the past 5 seasons. And let's hope we see a good Oswalt. The average Oswalt is getting old to me. Unfortunately, I don't know that we can count on that.
Howard factor: 1 for 6 against Carpenter with a home run.
Prediction: Cardinals 4 Phillies 2
Keep an eye out for: the dominant Carpenter of the past 5 seasons and the average Oswalt. Ugh.