Male Bag

The content of this post is not as possibly disgusting as you may make the title out to be (get your mind out of the gutter). This is actually going to be a post in which I answer questions that have come in from readers across the globe. And when I say "answer," I mean respond in whatever way I please. And when I say "questions," I mean any kind of comments anyone has made to me about the blog. And when I say "from readers," I mean that I may or may not make half of these up because very few people actually comment, email, text, call, fax, write, send carrier pigeons, use those tin cans with a string in between, or anything else. And when I say "across the globe," I mean usually within a 1/4 mile radius of where I write this blog.

As for the name, it comes from the greatest show within a show in television history, and one of the greatest shows in television history. Although I in no way attempt to make this blog appear very masculine, I rarely turn down an opportunity to honor every man's hero, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Whenever there was an episode of Tool Time (within an episode of Home Improvement) on which they read fan mail, it would come out in some type of haversack labeled "Male Bag." Pun 140% intended. And yes, I used the term haversack in place of a possible spot that I could use "satchel" because I am so tired of people believing The Hangover is the greatest thing to happen to the comedy genre. Sorry, it's nowhere close.

So, without further ado, my very first Male Bag!

For how long?
This question was asked when I sent out the initial message announcing my triumphant return to the blogosphere. Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence, people. Your tone came through that text pretty hard.

Who is your favorite Phillies player?
I get this question a lot, and it's a near impossible question to answer. My favorite Phillies player is generally whoever is up to bat (minus Raul Ibanez) or whoever is pitching (minus Danys Baez). So my full-time favorite Phill(ie/y) for this season is Tyson Gillies, currently with the Reading Phillies. He's a year younger than me, which I decide to view as awesome rather than depressing. He should be our leadoff hitter of the future, and his last name rhymes with Phillies. If we trade him, I will quit the team.

What is the singular for "Phillies?"
I've inquired about this one myself in the past, so I am glad you asked. Obviously we know how it is pronounced, but how do we spell it? If we follow basic rules of English, it could be spelled either Philly or Phillie. Too often people get trapped into the assumption that it's Phillie. Well, who's to say it isn't? Me, that's who. After years and years of endless discussion and controversy (in my head), I am taking a stand and from here on out only ever spelling the singular for Phillies P-H-I-L-L-Y. Boom. Problem solved, once and for all.

When is the next time you'll be down for a game?
That's a good question. After witnessing the 2008 World Series win, I said that I would be perfectly happy never going to another Phillies game in my life. Well, I guess I told too many people because I feel like that's actually happening. I have been to a game here and there since '08, but they are few and far between. I was supposed to be going this coming Saturday but, like an idiot, did not remember I had other plans. Jeremiah, you do not need to feel bad about this. It will be a great weekend and I'd rather be in Virginia than at a Phillies game (other loyal readers: not really).

How was your weekend? Do anything fun?
It was really good, thank you. Although you heard about a good amount of it in my last post, there were some details that were left out. We saw "Your Highness," I got to hang out with some of the regulars at Moe's (the local bar), and I attempted to eat 50 Chicken McNuggets in 50 minutes. Not that easy. (45 in 47)

In your blog post, "So Backwoods," you had a really good lead in to the point you were trying to get at. How are you so awesome all the time? (note: half of this question really was said to me. I'll let you guess which half)
Well I get most of my awesome advice from myself actually. Over the years of effortlessly succeeding in every aspect of life, I have acquired quite the vast array of knowledge of awesomeness. It's a gift, what can I say? When the only thing you do is be right and win, it's easy to sometimes get very caught up in yourself. Well, that's not my style. I was gracious enough to put all of my awesome thoughts, ideas, and methods into a book entitled How To Be Awesome: A Guide to a Fantastic Life. To reserve a copy, simply ask for one and send me any amount of money you want (including none). If you think I'm kidding, ask the people scattered throughout the US who are currently more awesome than they were before because of me.

I wish we lived together during this blog so I could be your witty #2 and you could write about all the sweet A things we would do.
So do I, Cheese. So do I.

Will I see a win on Thursday?
That's a great question and a perfect lead-in to my series preview against the Nationals (and this question was actually real!...not that all the others weren't). Yes, I do think you'll see a win on Thursday night. Because you asked about Thursday, we'll work through this preview backwards:

Thursday: Cliff Lee (1-1, 7.84 ERA) vs. Jordan Zimmermann (1-1, 3.18 ERA)
I don't think there is any way the Nationals are good enough to do anything to Cliff Lee. I'm sorry, I just can't pretend that they are respectable enough to match up when we have him pitching.

Wednesday: Roy Halladay (1-0, 0.69 ERA) vs. John Lannan (1-0, 3.60 ERA)
Same thing applies here. I realize that this is a weak preview, but seriously? The Nationals just aren't very good. And Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee are.

Tuesday: Joe Blanton (0-0, 14.54 ERA) vs. Livan Hernandez (0-1, 4.76 ERA)
This is a game that feels like it could end up being 12-9 with the 2 pitchers each hitting at least one home run. I think that if we are going to lose, it's going to be this game. I don't think we lose it, though. We are batting .334 as a team this season. Can we just take a second to try to fully comprehend that? There are only 3 teams batting over .300 collectively right now, and they are hitting .307 and .315. We're hitting .334. THREE THIRTY-FOUR! That's not even real. Is this a joke? Oh my gosh. Seriously? .334? Come on. No way. .334? Wow.

So, there it is. Predicting a sweep. It's very unoriginal, especially against the Nationals, but it's so much more fun to be right about a sweep.

Are you in any way going to try to hide the fact that you want to be exactly like Mark Titus in every way?
No. No I am not.



That will do it for the first edition of the Male Bag. I hope you enjoyed it, and at least 5 people that I can think of were lucky enough to see at least one of their questions or comments be a part of this. So, if you give me some feedback about this blog, I can all but guarantee your question or comment will end up showing up in a future Male Bag. In all seriousness, I love hearing from you guys. It makes me feel like my life is not a total waste. So keep it all coming. cskoehler5@gmail.com