Male Bag: Volume III (Part 1)

The Male Bag! Back by popular demand!

This edition of the Male Bag will actually be done in two parts. Part 1 will be today, Part 2 tomorrow, and then a Cardinals preview on Tuesday. Why split it up into 2 parts? Because I counted over 20 different questions and comments that I can include in this edition of the Male Bag, and I figured everyone would be happier if I split that over 2 days. Thank you to everyone who continues with all of the questions and comments seemingly every day. I love starting up conversations about the Phils, and I love ignoring your questions and just telling you to read the Male Bag as well. Most of my questions and comments are actually coming in via text nowadays, but don't be shy using email either. Remember, my email address is cskoehler5@gmail.com. If you don't have my phone number and would prefer to text rather than email, my number is 215 206 6431.

Part 1 has a special feel to it. You may remember Volume II having a distinctly anti-Ibanez aura, and this one will be similar. It will be completely focused on the Phillies broadcast team! I know that sounds awful, and it mostly is. Hopefully you will enjoy as much as I have some of the questions and comments that have come in over the past month or so. Also, this Male Bag will include a special announcement at the end for all of my loyal readers! So the sooner I start with the actual questions, the sooner you can find out the news:

How much do you hate [Christopher] Wheeler?

This is an appropriate start to this Male Bag. It seems that most people have noticed how much I hate the broadcast team, and none of you have been very shy in expressing to me your hatred as well. I can't really tell how much I hate Christopher Wheeler. Enough to not ever call him "Wheels" or even "Chris" because I feel he does not deserve a nickname? Absolutely. Enough to only listen to the Phils on the radio because he annoys me so much? Absolutely not. Well, at least not yet. What is interesting about this is that I actually think baseball is so much better on the radio than on TV, and our radio guys are infinitely better than the TV guys, but I just can't get away from actually seeing the play. I have yet to figure out why this is, and I may end up making a complete switch at some point this summer if I continue to be this frustrated. At the same time, though, I feel watching games brings me closer to my readers because we can all complain together. And the complaints that come in about Christopher Wheeler and the others are actually fun when I can share them with someone else. Listening to the Phillies TV broadcast team is sort of like drinking alcohol. When you do it alone, it's downright depressing. When you share the experience with someone else, it's hilarious.

What the hell are they talking about?

Another great question. Because no one really ever knows. I found a website that helps to highlight how annoying they are, but be warned. As I just stated in the last response, this is frustrating to experience alone but provides plenty of laughs when shared with a friend. It is entitled [Thomas] McCarthy Sucks. The address is even [thomasmccarthy]sucks.blogspot.com. Why didn't I think of this? Anyway, it often points us to times when Thomas is talking about anything but the Phillies. Something that I should add to the Phillies drinking game is to drink anytime Thomas talks about whatever is on camera, baseball-related or not. The reason I won't is because you would be hammered in an inning and a third. You'll often find him randomly saying things like, "And boy [Christopher Wheeler] wouldn't we all enjoy an ice cream cone on a day like today just like that little girl? Looks like she's got chocolate there. And speaking of chocolate, Sarge will be joining us next inning where I will awkwardly ask him any number of questions from my list of 75 I have every game about his playing career. And speaking of ice cream, I'm sure Shane Victorino doesn't need any to cool off his hot bat as of late. And speaking of hot, the red-hot Oakland Athletics will be coming into town next weekend for a 3-game series. And speaking of town, have you gotten a chance to see all of the sites of downtown Philadelphia recently? And speaking of downtown, that ball is GONE!"
So what the hell are they talking about? We're never really sure. It's just mostly whatever is on the television screen and/or Thomas McCarthy's mind. And it's anything but the game until something exciting happens. What a travesty.

I need to set a timer to see how long they actually talk about the stupid shizzle they talk about

What a depressing adventure that would be. I agree, and I will probably do it one game. But how often do they talk about something completely unrelated to the game? And I don't mean interesting things. I mean things like a girl catching a foul ball over the railing. Yes, great catch. Sure, show a replay. OK, maybe show another. Then let's move on. But please. Do NOT talk about it again the NEXT NIGHT. That's ridiculous. And that's what we do.
Oh wow, a guy selling beer in the stands using a backpack. How crazy is this? Do they still carry those buckets up and down the aisles? Yes, Thomas and Christopher. That's why we can see another beer guy carrying a bucket up and down the same aisle. Yet they decide to talk about this enough that a camera man actually has to go back to that shot multiple times to see what this beer man will do next. My guess is sell a beer. A job that you're both much more suited for, Thomas and Christopher.

Morgan Freeman interacting with [Thomas McCarthy]? Strange

As if McCarthy doesn't get off-topic enough on his own, every once in a while the Phillies decide to bring in a special guest to the booth to help him talk about anything but events transpiring in a baseball game. Morgan Freeman was forced to suffer through this earlier in the year. Can you imagine? Such a talented actor, someone who is so successful and respected in his particular field, having to answer questions from someone with as much talent as he has hair on his head. And poor Billie Jean King. A tennis legend having to interact with someone who can only hope to some day have talent the size of his own man boobs. What did these guests do to deserve such treatment? At least they are usually in there with Sarge, though, rather than Christopher Wheeler, a person with about as much personality as lunch meat with a face.

If [Christopher Wheeler] says "What a goofy game" one more time I'll lose it

When I made the Phillies drinking game, I really should have made it just for the broadcast team and things they do on a game-by-game basis. If there is a balk, a ground-rule double, or 2 errors in a game, it has suddenly been dubbed "goofy" by Christopher Wheeler. Just like scoring more than one run in an inning is putting up a "crooked number." Are you truly referring to the shape of the number, and 1 just happens to be the only "straight" one? If that's the case, it's not clever. You're just annoying. If it's not the case, you're just annoying. A pitcher who fields a ground ball, bunts the ball fair, or just swings a bat is automatically "athletic" or a "really good athlete." I've already said how annoying his talk is of park sizes, and the tendency of a ball to "fly out of this place." And there are countless things that McCarthy says or does all the time. Like getting excited about what the other team is doing. Stupid segues are my most recent favorite. If I had a dollar for every time Thomas McCarthy said "speaking of," I would be able to quit my job and focus all my energies on this blog. And I'd write about every single game. Because I'd be able to afford Phillies season tickets. With my seats being in the dugout.

That trivia thing is awful...Stump Christopher Wheeler

This may be the thing that frustrates me the most game in and game out. I absolutely love trivia. I mentioned a few posts that I go to Trivia Night every week at the Perk. I am a teacher, so I generally love learning as well. Interesting facts are my jam. I used to salivate at the mere mention of Dodge Stump the Fans. Years ago, I honestly would make sure I had a game on by the third inning and watched through the 7th just for this question and answer. That seems stupid and horrible to me now, but that is how much I honestly loved it. Now, I dread the beginning of the third and seventh inning. And when I say "beginning," I mean the entire top half. Because it's all they talk about. And I don't know how Thomas and Christopher sleep at night knowing that that segment of their program is actually referring to the fans. In no way do they want the fans to enjoy Dodge Stump the Fans. Is it some sick game between the two of them? Like they know they are torturing us, yet they can manage to keep a straight face the whole time and do it every single day? I would give them credit if that were the case because I would eventually crack and just admit to everyone that we were being that annoying on purpose. Here is an example of most annoying things about these two (or at least Thomas) all rolled into one Dodge Stump the Fans segment.
The question: The Red Sox traded Hanley Ramirez and Anibal Sanchez with 2 other players to Florida for Guillermo Mota and what 2 other players?

Immediately, I can identify Mike Lowell as one of the two. Before I have a chance to really think about the second, this exchange occurs:

TM: Just so you know they weren't in that crowd shot right there, [Christopher Wheeler].
CW: No
TM: Although one of them could've been
CW: What?
TM: That's all I'm gonna say

Die, Thomas McCarthy. First of all, stop directing the question at Christopher. Secondly, shut up about every single crowd shot they show throughout a game. Thirdly, you ruined my train of thought. Now I am so focused trying to figure out your cryptic comment on the fact that someone could be in the stands that I don't know how to figure out the second person (who was so easy...Josh Beckett). If I go to see a movie, I don't want to know that there's a twist at the end. Once I know that, I can only think about what the twist is going to be. I can't actually watch the movie and take it all in. This is what you've done to me, Thomas. And it's what you do to me almost daily. Stop giving your stupid hints and then being a jackass who says "That's all I'm gonna say." You're the biggest of all majokes. Well, except maybe Christopher Wheeler.

I'd rather stick my hand in a piston and feel the repeated breaking of my fingers than listen to them
I agree with this statement. As I do way too many things, I would describe listening to those two as "worse than a hanging."

I would rather have my neck not break in a hanging so I could gasp for every last breath.

Pretty graphic there, Jeremiah. But, yeah, they are really bad. These awful punishments you've so eloquently described are nothing compared to the torture they put us through. We are going to have so much fun watching and listening to them together this summer. Wait, what?

**Warning: This is the big announcement part. Prepare yourself

Can I go to Virginia with you?

This question may come as a surprise to a decent amount of you out there. For some, this makes the news all too real. You read that correctly though, I am going to Virginia. And I am not just going there for vacation this summer. Instead, I am moving to the great state of Virginia. Although teaching and coaching at Pennridge has long been my dream job, I've since woken up from that dream and realized that a reality is much better down in Virginia, seeing what else the world has to offer one Cameron Koehler. I had a great year here, but I need to branch out and shake things up a little bit. The branching and shaking will be occurring in Midlothian, Virginia with a job at James River High School. And I know what you are all thinking now. And someone has already asked.

How will you be watching the Phillies when in Virginia?

No worries, folks. I can watch the Phils with just as much consistency as I do right now. I am going to be moving in with Brianna and Jeremiah, taking on the roll of Jesse Katsopolis in the Full House that is their life come October 16 with the arrival of a baby girl. Always thinking, I bought MLB.TV for Jeremiah for his birthday back in April, and I will begin reaping all of the benefits come mid-July when I move down there. The blog will continue, I promise. The blog will continue. The blog will continue. (If I keep saying it, it has to be true).

But how is any of this news related to the hatred of the Phillies broadcast team?

Glad you asked, No One. The answer is simple. Jeremiah and I make a perfect Phillies broadcast team. I know things about the Phillies, and he has a hilarious and interesting way to get excited about things. This includes our beloved Phillies, and the world can someday look forward to my play-by-play and Jeremiah's color commentary full of made up words and often borderline offensive comments. What we may even look into doing is some type of podcast where we call a game every so often. There's no way that would ever work, but it sure sounds cool to talk about doing it, right?

That's it for Part 1 of the Male Bag: Volume III. Come back tomorrow for Part 2