Welcome back to High Hopes: Haven of Masculinity (No, that's not the new tagline for the blog, it just goes with the title of Male Bag. I know that nothing about this blog other than the title of this post is at all masculine. I think we briefly discussed this last time though). The Male Bag got rave reviews the first time around, so here we go for round 2. I'll be working in a brief recap of the Marlins series as well as a preview of the Braves, so this one could end up being extra long. My suggestion: just take a look at the questions first if you don't want to read the whole thing and only read ones you want an answer to. But I'll warn you, every answer will more than likely be awesome. Remember, all of these are real questions. Except for the ones I make up.
I laughed out loud nearly the whole time I was reading your blog...except for when you droned on and on about actual Phillies-related stuff
You're welcome and I'm sorry. This comment that was relayed to me via facebook is actually a partial inspiration for the tagline search. It made me start wondering what really makes people want to read my blog because, with thoughts like that, it's clearly not the Phillies. This makes me feel even more awesome than normal (unreal, right?). I truly appreciate feedback like this because I know that some people read mainly because they love the Phillies, but it's so cool to find out that people just read so they can listen to my random ramblings. I never knew that anyone other than me enjoyed those. Well, except for my students when they don't want to hear about history.
A big goal of this blog from the beginning, though, has been to make it about more than just the Phillies. I hope that you all feel some type of personal connection to it. Comments like this are beautiful.
When are we trading Ibanez?
I will answer this question with another question. Who the crap would take him? His good series against the Nationals was followed up by a quick 0-for-2-games against the Braves until he broke out of that mini slump with a 2-hit game in game 3 of the Braves series. Then he decided to continue hitting in the Marlins series. This is the worst thing ever. He's absolutely awful. Why is John Mayberry not playing? Have I already talked about this a billion times? What is the possible downgrade of putting him in left field? He can't hit worse than Ibanez has (with the exception of a .386 average against the Marlins and Nationals combined), he can't be slower than Ibanez in the field, and he can't have less potential for future growth than the 53-year-old Ibanez. So throw him in there and let's go. I've heard the argument that we are paying Ibanez too much money to not play him. Uhhh...no. I'd be willing to start paying him MORE money to stay the heck away from our team, Adam-Eaton-style. For the poker players out there, I don't believe in any such thing as being "pot-committed." For those who aren't, that basically means you know you are going to lose but you've already invested so much money in that given hand that you'll just keep playing it anyway. That's exactly what we're doing with Ibanez if money is at all a factor. Welp, we know he's a loser, but let's play him anyway because we've spent so much money on him. Horrible idea. Let's get him out of here. Soon. And speaking of Raul, he has been a hot topic for questions thus far this season...
Raul can't be classified with NASA and the city of Pittsburgh. I feel like he is a smidge above.. right?
Right. NASA, Pittsburgh, glitter, ironing, and packing hold a special place in my heart as the sources of all that is wrong with the world. Raul Ibanez definitely does not fall into that category as I may have slightly suggested in my "Say Cheese" post. Ibanez is just painful to watch play baseball, and I'm convinced that we are a better team without him. It will be very very difficult for anyone to convince me otherwise other than Ibanez himself over the course of a month, not 2 series'. So why do I hate those other 5 things so much?
Pittsburgh - It's much easier to list the good things about Pittsburgh than the bad, because there are only 3 good things. Primanti Bros. sandwiches, the fact that all of their professional sports teams are the same colors, and my good friend B Fresh. Everything else is awful. Be more specific? No, I won't. Name something. that sucks about Pittsburgh.
NASA - This is my only political stance. Stop spending so much money on such stupid things. I acknowledge that NASA has done and will continue to do fantastic things in this world. You cannot, however, tell me that a multi-billion dollar remote control car cruising around Mars is actually worth anything. What is the Hubble telescope doing for us? Taking pictures of Saturn? What do we do with pictures of Saturn? Put them in science books, base illustrations in The Magic School Bus off of them, and make them the desktop on our computer if we're huge losers who are fascinated enough by outer space to want to think about it every time we take the computer off of hibernate. And that's worth billions and billions and billions of dollars to us. In a world that currently lacks money. Nice. Real nice.
Glitter - I've heard it referred to as "craft herpes." Amen. A student did a project using glitter while I was student teaching over a year ago, and I still randomly will find a piece of glitter on my stick of deodorant. PLEASE GO AWAY ALREADY
Ironing - What do you do with that little crease at the top of the back of a dress shirt? How can I iron that so it actually looks right? And how far up do I iron my pants? Should that crease be going straight up through each of my ass cheeks? I have no idea!
Packing - What if I go swimming? A question that has scared the living daylights out of me for every single trip I've ever gone on, whether it be for 1 night or 16 weeks. One trip to the pool adds so many things. My swim trunks. A shirt that matches them. Some flip flops. Another towel. An extra pair of socks for that day. An extra pair of underwear for that day. Let's face it, a whole new outfit for that day. And I don't want to make a decision on Friday about what I'll wear on Sunday. I need options. I need to travel comfortably, but are we going to do something once I get there that requires a nicer wardrobe? Packing sucks.
With Raul rocking the beard so far this season (apologies of this is no longer true, I'm sort of detached from the world), would you still refer to him as "naked mole-rat" V1.2 of his nickname?
This was asked earlier in the season when Raul still had a beard. He doesn't anymore because he thought it would change his luck I assume. Either way, he doesn't really deserve a nickname this season. The suggestion I gave this reader via email was "Suckhole or something like that." And the reason this reader was detached from the world is because I have officially received questions from readers "across the globe" as I suggested in my first Male Bag. This question, and others, came in from Afghanistan.
Does the Purple Doughnut Eater read your blog? If so, what are his thoughts?
This question comes from a friend of mine who works at Giant and has seen my dad buy way too many doughnuts over the years and also knows of his affinity for the color purple. Apparently these doughnuts are for "customers," but they probably are used to inject poison into them in an attempt to assassinate corrupt world leaders. If you didn't know, Paul Koehler has an unknown job that allows him to work on the road (except when he works from home or an office), work whatever hours he wants (except when he has set hours), and know every single person we ever see in public (except for the people who know him but he cannot identify). This all seems pretty shady to me, so I rarely ask questions. As for the actual question, I am not entirely sure whether or not he is reading the blog this year. I know he had in the past, and I told him about it a few weeks into this season but am not sure that his busy schedule (except when he's not busy) has allowed him to get around to it. His thoughts are generally focused on Pennridge softball and spider solitaire. I'm sure he's just happy that I don't have a blog about the softball team and second-guess his every move. I'm glad to because I'd hate to get on his bad side. Who knows what he is capable of.
How was Easter with the Koehlers?
Nice question. Unrelated to the Phillies, but a guaranteed hilarious answer. I was kind of worried about answering this for fear that some of the extended Koehlers read this blog, but then I realized that I don't have anything to be scared of because whatever I say will be true. For example, there would be no denying the fact that our extended family ate 3 separate family dinners all at my grandparents house. The Sellersville Koehlers (my immediate family) ate at the dining room table with my grandparents. Another group of the extended family ate at what used to be dubbed the "Kids Table" back when there was more than 1 kid in the family. And yet another group of family members decided to eat on the back porch. And no mixing of those 3 groups would be done. So that was a funny thing to witness. And, sorry, the ham was dry. Oh so dry. (Not that I could do any better. Thanks Pop-pop! You're efforts definitely exceeded any that I would have made, and for that you definitely deserve credit, among so many other things.)
There was also a hilarious pre-prayer wait and debate that went on. We had to wait for everyone to get there to pray for our meal. Once we established that the last guest was on their way, we waited until one of the family members who was actually there to walk outside to wait for that person, and then we prayed anyway without both of them. Where's the logic? No one's really sure.
How many games up are we?
We're up 1 game. On Major League Baseball. Yes, we have the best record in baseball currently by 1 game. In terms of the NL East (which is clearly the intent of the question), we are up 3 games on the Marlins. The Marlins are so awkwardly good this year. Josh Johnson is fantastic, but, other than him, their best players are absolutely horrendous. Hanley Ramirez is flirting with .200, and Mike Stanton only has 5 home runs and 15 RBI. This is classic Marlins. They have no business being good but they just do it anyway to piss people off. Cause we know they aren't making anyone happy by being good, judging by their attendance numbers. Taking 2 of 3 from them was awesome, especially because my predictions were pretty accurate as well. The loss for Halladay is tough (especially in a complete game where he gives up 1 earned run), but it isn't shocking with Johnson opposing him. Halladay pitched great, but Johnson is a great pitcher as well, and we can't expect to do too much against him as an offense.
How do you feel about facing Werth...and will it be a pointless and obnoxious focus of the commentary throughout the series?
This is another question from Afghanistan, and it was posed to me before our first series against the Nationals. My answer to this: I definitely think it will be an obnoxious focus of the commentary throughout any series with the Nats, mostly because it will be a focus and our commentary is always obnoxious (on TV at least). There seemed to be a lot of boos in his time in Philadelphia so far (and Washington for that matter), and I support the booing. I think he's a jerk for leaving and making it completely and unquestionably about money. I will boo Jayson Werth all day. I know he did a lot for us, but remembering the past is not exactly the Philadelphian way.
Dude I just signed up for a new comcast account and scored a free season of MLB extra innings. BOOM.
This comes from a reader in Georgia, celebrating the ability to watch the Phils in a horrible area that would only include Braves telecasts. This is so awesome, aside from the fact that he got a Comcast account. It's sad how inferior it is to Verizon. And sad how inferior everything is to D&E (now Windstream). State College certainly got something right with that cable/internet provider. And yes, I'm dead serious.
Last season you did awesome things like a glossary and picking walk-up songs for each player. Any chance that happens again this year?
I've referenced the glossary a few times, but I think I do plan on doing another one. New season, it's only right to do a new glossary. The walk-up music is a guaranteed post to come sometime in the near future. I am very excited about that one, and I have been brainstorming songs for a few weeks now. Something to look forward to.
Kill me if we don't win this series
Going into the Braves series this weekend, my biggest concern is the sanity of my sister and brother-in-law. They have to spend the weekend with Jeremiah's brother who just happens to be a Braves fan. And despite all logic and any type of reasoning, he is truly convinced that the Braves are better than the Phillies. Inspired by his ignorance, I will blindly choose the Phillies to sweep this series. I'm not even giving you the matchups for it, nor will I use the loads of Phillies vs. Braves stats I have accumulated this season. I am making this decision on the fly. Is this a cop-out for doing a preview? You could definitely say so, and I can understand you thinking that. But trust me, this is absolutely killing me. All of the work I do following the Phillies pays off the most when we play within the NL East because I can truly analyze and use the statistics I've collected. But instead, I'm going for the slap-in-the-face factor here and predicting a series sweep. And let's just say we'll win 5-1, 4-2, and 6-0. Just because the Phillies are better than the Braves. With no real reasoning to back that up. Or at least not that I'm putting in here. Look out, though, this may kill me enough to force me to justify my thoughts in the middle of the series.
Where is the tagline? And where's this new logo?
Nowhere yet. I haven't gotten many suggestions for the tagline still, and I am waiting for that to unveil the logo. Hopefully soon though. Please keep the emails, facebook messages, texts, and comments coming. Also, let me know if you want a text letting you know when I update the blog. There are a few people that I will text every so often, but no one consistently. I know a lot of people check this daily no matter what, but I am sure some of you are just left guessing. If you want to end that guessing game, let me know!
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