Male Bag: Volume IV

I will be doing a Cubs preview before the game tonight, separate from the Male Bag

Who would've thought I would make it to a 4th edition of the Male Bag? Isn't this so exciting? This is unofficially the longest I have kept a blog going in now my 3rd season attempting it. I have had posts after July 18th, but they have never been in rhythm with the rest of my posts. And I love the word "rhythm." Where are all the vowels?! "Y" is just hanging out in there like it's a legitimate vowel. What makes a vowel anyway? I would answer that, but I don't feel like looking it up, and it's time now for me to answer YOUR questions, not mine. LET'S GOOOOO!!

No slicked back hair for Chase? Is this a new look for 2011?

I am answering this question first for a number of reasons
1) I absolutely love Chase Utley. Like, I'm in love with him. It's unhealthy
2) I oddly find myself judging the hair of men way too often. It's probably because I'm just so comfortable with my sexuality. (...said the single guy who just moved out of his parents' place and in with his pregnant sister and brother-in-law)
3) My mom actually texted me this question. If you don't realize how incredible this is, just take my lack of an explanation as this being essentially a miracle in my mind with few words to describe it.
4) I didn't respond to the text. What a jackass.
As a warning to all of you out there who may text me a question or comment, I sometimes don't respond and then justify it to myself because I am going to the put it in the Male Bag. Although that is truly the reason, it's really not a good one at all. Sorry, Mom. I realize the hard work you put into that, and I really dropped the ball. I should call you soon. Like yesterday probably.
Utley's hair has always been something I've admired despite some peoples' disdain for it. His in-game look is one that, as my mother pointed out, has always included a very slicked-back style to the point where it looks like he is wearing a thin Saran Wrap helmet. I think it works for him, and I don't want to try to find a flaw in Baseball. His off-the-field look is much better, though. Look at that hair and tell me you don't want that on your head. Or, ladies, your significant other's head. It's glorious. Unfortunately, I cannot find a current picture of Chase's in-game look. At least not a hat- or helmet-less picture. It does appear, though, that his hair is a bit shorter than normal and not as shiny and curled up in the back. I guess Jen is keeping him pretty well groomed this season. It's definitely something I'll be paying more attention to as I watch games now, though.

Is Chase purposely sporting gray in his beard for hopes of getting a gig with Just For Men, or is he actually getting old on us?

If he's seen this commercial starring Emmitt Smith or this commercial starring Randy Johnson, there is no possible way that he could ever desire to someday become a spokesperson for such a majoke of a marketing campaign. Although I haven't noticed his gray, I have feared for quite some time that Chase is much older than we all think. He'll turn 33 at the end of this year, but sometimes I feel his age will always be equal to his jersey number. Despite the fact that he's getting up there a little, one article that came out on Sunday says that Utley is still our team's MVP. Without agreeing with that statement, there's also no way I will disagree with it. And when did I become the go-to guy for questions and comments about Chase Utley's hair?

That was the most entertaining thing I've read all week! Kudos to you!
Fantastic as usual
So your blog on Canada was pretty impressive
It was the most enjoyable piece of writing I have read since The BFG, no joke.

These are some of the comments I got in response to my Blue Jays preview. If you missed it, it is definitely one of, if not the, most well-received posts I've ever had. Although I don't like to use these Male Bags to brag about myself, I totally love using these Male Bags to brag about myself. Seriously, though, this is a great place where I can put out a sincere "thank you" to those people who provide me with constant encouragement. I've said it before and I'll say it again...it really means a lot hearing from you guys about how much you enjoy the blog. It helps keep me going and makes me happy knowing that you're happy. And have you people read The BFG? That may be easily the highest compliment I've ever received. It's certainly up there. The BFG? THE BFG?! That book is unbelievable! I don't know about you, but Roald Dahl knew exactly what second-grade Cameron Koehler's sense of humor was.

How many times on average do you flip your grilled cheese?

Easy. Once. I don't make mistakes

Who is the Phillies ace?

To me, this question does not require me to look at any type of stats. I love numbers, and I will swear by them all day, every day (unless, of course, they tell me that Raul Ibanez is good). But this comes down to one question for me: If the Phillies were in Game 7 of the World Series and everyone was on normal rest, who would you want starting? And that is easily, to me, Roy Halladay. How can you want anyone else? He's just so good. ... ... ... I just started typing another sentence like 9 different times without having any idea how to back this up in words. He's just so good. I don't even want to give examples because it almost feels insulting to Halladay. He has done everything anyone could ever want. He's just so good.

You have to give him credit in your next blog
Rauuuuuuuuuuuul

Both of these comments came after his walk-off homer against the Braves. I gave him a (very) little bit of credit in the next post about trade possibilities. Here's the deal, though. He bites. Something I failed to mention in my trade possibilities post is that I'm scared crapless that he will still start even if we trade for a right-handed hitting outfielder, and we will instead sit Domonic Brown. The rumors recently have us veering away from the right-handed bat and more towards just relief pitching, but who knows? I just don't want to get someone that I think will replace Raul to then instead replace Brown. "But Cam, he's been hot lately!" Big deal. He was in May, too. You know when he wasn't? April and June. Here's his batting average by month:
April: .161
May: .315
June: .211
July: .326
So that's fine, right? No. No it's not. Because guess what that means:
August: bad
September: good
October: bad
I don't need that on my playoff roster

Who is your least favorite of the 3?

This is not referring to the Yankees, Mets, and Braves. Nor is it referring to West Virginia, Ohio, and New Jersey. No, it is referring to, if you couldn't guess, Thomas McCarthy, Christopher Wheeler, and Sarge. This is an easy answer for me.
It's not Sarge because I borderline love Sarge now. He's so stupid that it's funny. And I'm pretty sure he thinks the other guys are annoying. He fits in so much better with Franzke and LA. Sarge wants to have fun so badly, but he's being held back by the 2 of the 3 biggest fun-suckers in the history of media.
It's not Thomas McCarthy because he's just stupid. It's like he doesn't really know what to do, and he's so overly excited about actually being employed that it's at the point where I have to think he might know how bad he is.
My least favorite (a term I am uncomfortable using because it has the word "favorite" when talking about our broadcast team) is EASILY Christopher Wheeler. He is almost as smug as Bill Self. And me comparing anyone's smugness to that of Bill Self's is absolutely unheard of. You're not better than me just because Thomas McCarthy spends three quarters of a game doing nothing but prodding you for interesting historical baseball facts. An almanac that can talk is not interesting. There's still no personality...it's a book of facts and lists basically. That's all Christopher Wheeler is. The only shred of personality that he has is his constant judgment of anyone who is not him. He says everything in a way that tries to make you feel inferior while at the same time acting like he thinks you're on his level. Neither of these is true. Just before the All-Star break, the Phillies had played 3 straight extra-inning games going into the Sunday game with Atlanta. As we kept scoring and scoring and scoring, Thomas McCarthy said something about how we would not be playing a 4th straight extra-inning game for the first time in franchise history. Christopher Wheeler said something like "Yeah they've never done that in the regular season, but we all remember that playoff series with the Astros back in '80 where they played in 4 straight. What a series that was." (Can't you just hear his dull, stupid, disinterested voice saying those words? Ugh). A lot of people probably don't know about that actually. Including Mets enthusiast Thomas McCarthy. So please don't assume we all do when you know that we don't. And he always throws in some stupid word or phrase like "we all remember" or "obviously" or something like that to make you feel like a moron for not knowing what he's talking about. Take that time to hit us with some interesting trivia rather than just calling us all idiots in a roundabout way. That's why he sucks the hardest of all of them. Because he knows what he's doing and decides to be a jackass about it. I guess that's what happens when you lack any semblance of people skills.

What were your top 5 favorite cartoons growing up?

This is one of my favorite questions ever because I think this is the question that made me fully realize this blog is about much more than the Philadelphia Phillies. It's like how my classes this past year were about much more than just psychology, sociology, or world cultures. I think it just became a game for some students to see what they could get me to talk about. "Hey Mr. Koehler, how was your weekend?" "Mr. Koehler, buy any new LEGOs recently?" "What do you think about NASA, Mr. Koehler?" "I wasn't here when you told the story about your roommate getting hit by a car, can you tell it again?" What am I supposed to do, just ignore those questions? Doubtful. This question was texted to me as a specific Male Bag request. Most of the time I just decide randomly that I will put random everyday life questions in here. Not this time. Disclaimer about my answer: I am only talking about TV shows, and "growing up" means basically anything before middle school as I interpret it here. So, my top 5 cartoons growing up (in no particular order):
- Darkwing Duck - I referenced this in my last post and will include it here. That show was awesome. You know how any time you fake shoot something you just use your thumb and index finger? At the most, you will put both hands together and do this. Well in one episode, I can vividly remember Darkwing Duck's daughter, Gosalyn Mallard, holding one hand out with her finger gun pointed, then grasping her forearm with the other hand and acting as if her whole arm is a machine gun. If you can picture that, you know how awesome it must look to a 6-year-old.
- RECESS - This show is thebomb.com. It's as simple as that. My friend Adam and I used to watch this basically every day after school in elementary school while eating 4 Oreo's and sipping on a nice cold can of Coca-Cola. I watched the show so much that I could tell you every single thing that happened, including pulling out direct quotes from the episode, all within the first 15-20 seconds of every single episode.
- Goof Troop - My love for this show is actually best manifested in A Goofy Movie, one of my top 5 Disney movies (a list for another time). I barely even got to watch this show because it was only on the Disney Channel back when it was a premium channel, and you had to rely on that free preview every year or so with Al Borland trying to convince you to order the channel in between each show. Despite this fact, I absolutely loved Goof Troop. It also holds a special place in my heart because the most bonding I ever did with my dad usually occurred while playing Goof Troop on Super Nintendo, him controlling Goofy while I controlled Max, trying to save Pete and PJ from the evil pirate Keelhaul Pete.
- Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa - Here is another show that I don't necessarily remember watching that much of, but I was totally obsessed with it. I wanted to mention it here and put it in my top 5 because I feel like not a lot of people know about how awesome it was. First of all, I wanted to be a cowboy when I was younger, so this was a perfect show for me in that sense. And although I have no idea what channel it was on or anything like that, I can remember like it was yesterday playing with all of the action figures and coloring in my C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa coloring book. With freak nasty character names like Marshal Moo Montana, The Dakota Dude, and The Cowlorado Kid, what's not to love?
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - TMNT defined every young boys' life and personality in some way or another. If you couldn't identify with one of these characters, you were probably a serious outcast and still are today (sorry, the truth hurts). And if you like Raphael, you have bigger issues to deal with. I have always been the biggest fan of Michelangelo, and it is obvious why: He takes nothing seriously and is constantly trying to get his hands on more and more pizza. Oddly, though, I had a purple mask as a kid (probably my dad's choice, am I right?). That's Donatello's color, not Michelangelo. I used to wear it around and imagine I was one of the turtles. My mom called me Cameronello.
Can I just say that narrowing this down to 5 was near impossible? I didn't really think it through as much as I should have probably, and I want to give a shout-out to those shows that didn't quite make the cut without any justifiable reason: Hey Arnold! (a show I still watch today), Pinky and the Brain (an unbeatable duo), Looney Tunes (still hilarious today), Animaniacs (a little bit of everything), Chip 'N' Dale Rescue Rangers (amazing theme song), The Weekenders (very underrated), Muppet Babies (watched every day when I was really little), Tiny Toon Adventures (I can remember cracking up watching this when I was far past the target demographic age), and others I'm surely forgetting
And here are some others that would not make it into my top 5 even with more thought, but I feel they deserve mentioning anyway: Doug, David the Gnome, The Littl' Bits, Rugrats, TaleSpin, Inspector Gadget, The Jetsons, DuckTales, The Rocky & Bullwinkle Show, Pepper Ann, Bobby's World, and many more that I just can't think of right now. Cripes that answer took forever to type and find stuff, but it was awesome reliving my childhood.

What do you think about the All-Star game meaning home-field advantage for the World Series?

It's the dumbest thing ever. OK, not the dumbest thing ever, but it's pretty dumb. The All-Star game and the World Series are 2 complete separate things. You don't play the World Series to win it for the National League, you want to win it for your individual team. I was not more excited last year that the Giants won. If the Mets made the World Series, there's no way I would want them to win. Even if they played the Yankees, I would just hope that the World Series was cancelled, and I wouldn't watch any of it. But the All-Star game has now become the indicator of who gets home-field advantage? That makes no sense. In this year's game, Carlos Beltran scored a run, Matt Kemp scored a run, Andre Ethier had an RBI, and Hunter Pence scored a run. With the exception of trades, none of those guys have any hope of playing in the World Series this season, yet they were in some way responsible for 4 of the 5 runs that the NL team scored to win and get home-field advantage. Why do I want those guys deciding where we would play the World Series if we make it? If that is the case, there should not be a requirement that each team be represented. I do, however, think that every team should be represented because the game should be fun. So just don't make it decide home-field in the World Series. If anything, choose an AL park and an NL park for the next season's All-Star game to occur in, then have the result of this year's game decide which park it's in next year. That's stupid and pointless for the most part, but if we really need to assign meaning to the game so it doesn't end in a tie, can we at least make it something that doesn't actually matter for some teams? It's ridiculous. If we just had 2 pitchers help get home-field advantage and then the Braves make the World Series, I will be incredibly pissed that we had those pitchers in that game. I would guess Braves fans would feel the same way about their players if we made the World Series. It's STUPID.

Do you write that blog about the Phillies? I read it, and it sounded very Mark Titus-esque.

First of all, this compliment is up there with the BFG comparison.
Since school ended and I became facebook friends with waaay too many teenagers, I have gained a bunch of readers. Kids talk to me about the blog all the time now it seems, which I think is pretty cool. They always knew how awesome I was, but now it's been kicked up a notch because of how hilarious and good my writing is (just kidding. But seriously). Much like Mark Titus. If you don't know who Mark Titus is, he's the writer of one of my favorite things I have ever read, Club Trillion. He takes a hilarious look at life as a walk-on for a major college basketball program (Ohio State). I first started reading Club Tril back in the spring sometime and have since read all 3 years' worth of posts and ordered both t-shirts. A big reason I kept reading is not because I thought I could model my writing after his. I kept reading because he has almost the exact same sense of humor as I do, and it comes out in my blog as well as his. I would say that I have definitely gotten to be a little more like him with this season's blog, but I think I was already very close. If you haven't read any of that blog, do yourself a favor and start. Go back to the beginning and start there. You won't regret it.

I have "Kiss Kiss" by Chris Brown (ft. T-Pain) stuck in my head. Am I going to die?

At first glance, this question is completely random. But I do have the song on my iPod. Not that great of a song, so why would I? Geoff Jenkins, that's why. Jenkins played for the Phillies in 2008, a slightly significant year in Philadelphia's sports history. My friend Matt and I are all about walk-up songs, and we made a playlist that included every player's walk-up song that we could find. Sometimes we would play the songs while watching games on TV, but the main purpose was for something to listen to on the way to games. When you look at Geoff Jenkins, you would think that he would have a hard rock or maybe country song. Or whatever song Brett Favre would choose. But no, Jenkins loves his hip-hop apparently, because he chose "Kiss Kiss" by Chris Brown (ft. T-Pain) as the song to get him pumped as he walked to the plate. It worked well enough for him to hit a crucial double to lead off Game 5 Part II to help us win the World Series. So I doubt that this song leads to death. It seems to me that its effects are actually pretty positive. (Although, we never did hear from Geoff Jenkins again, did we? Not just on the Phillies, but anywhere. So, uh, I guess...be careful?)

Who do you want as your 5th starter?

To me, the options here currently are Blanton, Kendrick, and Worley. I will immediately eliminate Kendrick from the question. Although he has not been bad this season, he works as a reliever and is pretty inconsistent as a starter. Even when he's pitching well, I'm always nervous he'll have to face 3 lefties in a row and give up 5 home runs in those 3 at bats. So that makes it between Blanton and Worley. And this is assuming that Oswalt is back as our 4th starter or we trade for Justin Verlander as our 4th starter. I wouldn't put it past us. Blanton has always been a very good second-half pitcher for us. It's tough to just give him the boot. What do we do with him if he doesn't start? Keep him on the DL forever? I guess that's a possibility, but I might still feel kind of bad about it. I think he can do some good things for us if he comes back; however, I think I have to go with Vance Worley on this one. Let's face it, our 5th starter isn't that important. With Halladay, Hamels, Lee, and a hopefully healthy Oswalt, our race to the playoffs will not be dependent upon who our other starter is. So I think I would rather continue getting Worley the experience. Although I still doubt his potential because of a general lack of "stuff," I think this season is a great time to figure that out. And if he begins to struggle consistently, we can have Blanton to fall back on somewhere. Or we could trade Blanton. Or we could trade both of them, depending on what we get in return. Although this is a good question, the answer is something that I'm not SUPER concerned about. I feel like anything could happen with these 3 guys and, no matter what, I wouldn't be too upset about it. Is that mean?

How's the move going?

I have been here for almost 2 days now and have yet to unpack a single thing. The stuff is all moved into my room, but it's totally random the way its been put in there. My dresser is still empty, my clothes are all in boxes, I don't have my sheets on my bed, and I think I need to buy new deodorant. I live in Virginia. How weird is that?

What crazy awesome junk are we going to do to celebrate 5,000 page views?

Cheese asked this question a long time ago, like back when I was at maybe 2,000 views. Since former students and basketball players started reading, though, the numbers have skyrocketed. We may end up at 5,000 by the end of the season...who knows?! So what should we do to celebrate? Just as Cheese said, I feel like it should definitely be some crazy awesome junk. But what could that be? Do you guys have any ideas? Let's start thinking now. Something where we look back on the history of the blog? Highlights from our favorite posts? Look at an old random post and make fun of how stupid I was in writing it? Do a reverse Male Bag where I ask questions and get you guys to answer them? Let's get some ideas flowing! Five thousand is coming. God knows when that day will come, but we don't want to be unprepared!

Include something about Hope Solo's looks

A suggestion from a basketball player upon hearing a Male Bag was coming up. Hope Solo is a looker and all, especially when blowing kisses to people during games, but she's not my favorite. She's 5'9", and I'm more into somewhere around 5'1". And have you seen Alex Morgan? She's gorgeous, and she's only 22, so I feel like I have a real shot with her (no pun intended). She's also supposed to be the future of US women's soccer. I've heard that she has a boyfriend, but I'm not worried. I think she'll come around when run into her in August while I'm out in California. She's 5'6" though. Ugh