High Hopes Glossary

If you're looking for a good criticism of this blog, it shouldn't be too hard to find. One of the best, though, has got to be how annoyingly personal it is to me. I imagine it is hard to keep up with all of the people and events happening in my life, as well as my vernacular that is ever-changing. To help everyone out a little, I've come out with the 2nd edition of the High Hopes Glossary. I would put a link in here to the first one from 2 years ago, but I'd rather you just forget about that one and focus on this one. I like to think it's much more complete. That is a relative term, though, and you can count on me saying some things or talking about someone or some place this season that you are completely clueless on. If it's not here, I'm sorry. I'm only one man.

Andria - my oldest sister, who will be getting married in September. Although not a frequent mention on the blog, definitely worth mentioning

B Fresh - one of the only tolerable people who calls the city of Pittsburgh home. He has made several appearances as a guest blogger. A baseball purist, the Pirates are his favorite Pittsburgh sports team, earning him respect across the country (except for in Pittsburgh, where most citizens have never heard of the Pirates)

Bailey's - the greatest sports bar in the world. It gives customers points for drinking beer, and those points can translate into wonderful prizes; place where I can go to eat half-price wings for the rest of my life

Baseball - Chase Utley

Baseball Theory - a theory developed over the years by Cameron Koehler, emphasizing the fact that every statistic in baseball is also a probability, and every occurrence in baseball is an independent event. This means that a player with a .300 batting average has a 30% chance of getting a hit, but it also means we should not expect said player to get a hit. While this example is largely accepted as true, several more liberal applications of this theory have been harshly criticized

Brianna - my younger older sister; my current landlady with whom I reside; woman who keeps me well-fed

Chase Utley - baseball

Cheese - former college roommate; supporter of Raul Ibanez; will be playing the part of the groom in the wedding I will be Best Man-ing on July 15

Chesterfield Village - cheap place to live in Chesterfield County, thus making it a scary place to live in Chesterfield County. It is not known for housing the most wholesome of characters; my possible residence starting in August

Chris - former college roommate; Braves fan when convenient

Christopher Wheeler - commonly known as "Wheels" to Phillies fans, but known on this blog as Christopher Wheeler due to how little he deserves the honor of having a nickname; a talking almanac with slightly less personality; Phillies color commentator for way too long despite falling very low on the list of "People Who Deserve to Be the Phillies' Color Commentator," just behind a baked potato; the only person to rival Bill Self in smugness; one antagonist of this blog

The Cit - Citizens Bank Park, home of the Philadelphia Phillies

Dad - Pennridge softball coach and possible CIA operative; man I am slowly but surely turning into

Dave - lone Pennsylvania friend to move to the Richmond area with me; current resident of Chesterfield Village; my biggest Super Nintendo rival

Dert - Mike Dertouzos; my favorite former Division I baseball player; best Pennridge teaching friend; fantastic date if you're looking for lunch at the Perk on an in-service day

DH - (1) Donna Hannum, mother of Bryan Hannum who is essentially Bryan in older female form (2) designated hitter, but no one actually cares about that

Diamondbags - nickname given to the Diamondbacks that famously inspired them to actually be good last year. Calling them the Diamondbags allows for their name to be shortened to D-Bags

Dippin' Dots - (1) Phillies minor league players; the Phillies of the Phuture (2) Phillies players recently called up to the majors i.e. Freddy Galvis (3) the ice cream of the future

Franzke - person most deserving of the Phillies' television play-by-play job; current Phillies' radio play-by-play man

Get a Career - see "Get a Job"

Get a Job - phrase used to essentially tell someone that they are full of crap, don't know what they are talking about, or need to do better at whatever it is they are trying to accomplish; in extreme cases, "get a career" is used

Hannum - Bryan Hannum; my favorite former Division III baseball player; best James River teaching friend; a killer disc jockey for after-school dance parties

James River High School - my current workplace; best high school baseball team in the state of Virginia and 29th-ranked high school baseball team in the nation (as of March 26, 2012)

Jeremiah - my brother-in-law; my current landlord with whom I reside; person I converse with most about the Phillies.

Kelli - my beautiful, wonderful girlfriend. Her enrollment at Carnegie Mellon University causes me to make more trips to Pittsburgh than I care to mention; one of the biggest supporters of the blog; one of the biggest reasons the blog may fail this season (just kidding. But seriously it'll probably be her fault if I stop) (Kelli - that's totally a compliment) (Other loyal readers - can you believe what she's doing to me?!)

LA - person most deserving of the Phillies' television color commentator job; current Phillies' radio color commentator

Laynce - the first name of Phillies outfielder Nix; inspiration for every word sounding like his name to be spelled in a similar fashion

Loser - (1) one who does not win (2) Jose Reyes

Majoke - a joke, but in a negative fashion. Not a "ha-ha" joke, but an "are you kidding me?" joke. It is named after some kid that Cheese and Chris knew in high school whose first name was apparently Majoke. What a majoke.

Malarkey - BS

Male Bag - the greatest thing to ever happen to this blog. The origins of the Male Bag can be traced back to the show "Tool Time" within the show "Home Improvement," as well as back to 2011 when I was running out of ideas of what to write about. Male Bags are often the most well-received blog posts, and anyone could potentially have the honor of having their question or comment put in the Male Bag simply by asking a question or making a comment. Last year's Male Bag highlights include Male Bag Volume I, Volume II, Volume III (Parts 1 and 2), Volume IV, Volume V, Volume VI, and the Playoff Male Bag. Yes, that is all of them.

Mets - a team as vicious and threatening as this

Midlothian - town that I live in in Virginia, just outside of Richmond

Mom - the greatest woman in the world. Love you, Mom!

Paul - former college roommate; Californian who loves animals; will be playing the part of the groom in the wedding I will be groomsman-ing on April 21

Pennridge High School - alma mater and former employer; greatest high school basketball team and players since Cheltenham 2005-06 (and even better than them)

Philly - (1) the city of Philadelphia, obviously (2) the singular form of "Phillies." Many people think this should be "Phillie," but the rules of grammar in the English language suggest it could be either one, and more words end in "y" than "ie." This would suggest to me that a Phillies player is a Philly, not a Phillie

Pittsburgh - Hell

Raoops - Lord Voldemort; You-Know-Who; He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named; the Dark Lord; Satan; everything that is wrong with the world; one antagonist of this blog; Raul Ibanez

Sarge - color commentator and my favorite member of the Phillies television broadcast team; perfect combination of Bill Cosby, Christopher Walken, a 14-year-old-boy, and Scooby Doo; topic of "SaRgE sAyS," a feature on the blog that highlights some of his hilariously bad comments during games and types them using HiS iNfLeCtIoN; subject of many uncomfortable uses of the term "color commentator" due to the fact that he is the only non-white member of the broadcast team

SUCCESS - class that I teach at James River High School. I teach students important life lessons and tell them to not procrastinate. Who could be more qualified for that? Despite the fact that it is always spelled with all capital letters, I have no idea what those letters stand for. This will not, however, stop me from spelling success with all capital letters from now on

Surrey - my niece with whom I reside. She was born on October 17, 2011. She has yet to witness a Phillies game, and, considering her bedtime is 7:00, I don't really see it happening any time soon. But boy what a fan she will be!; cutest 5-month-old in history

Thomas McCarthy - Phillies' television play-by-play announcer commonly known as "T-Mac" but known on this blog as "Thomas McCarthy" due to how undeserving he is of a nickname; a man who could very well be preventing the Rapture with his speech, but we will never find out because he never stops talking; one antagonist of this blog

Uncle Chuck - Charlie Manuel, Phillies manager. He is most commonly referred to as Uncle Chuck when he does something extra stupid, despite the fact that he usually gets away with it

Y'all - how I say "you guys" now. I'm so Southern