The requests started coming in about a week ago, via text, Twitter, email, and every other media imaginable (really just one text and one tweet, and I get an email whenever someone tweets at me. But that's still multiple requests so get off my back about it.). The people have spoken, and I have decided to listen (and then begin talking over them).
It's been questioned whether or not I can go 2 full seasons updating this bad boy. What do I have to say to my doubters?
I appreciate that.*
No one thought I could do it last year, and you saw what happened. Other than a terrible blog cliffhanger to end a terrible Phillies postseason "run," I did everything you could've asked of me and more. Your disbelief merely fuels my fire. Either that, or I just really have nothing better to do with my time.
Some might ask what I get out of this. "Why, Cameron? Why put yourself through all of this? You don't get paid. No one actually listens to you. I'm a loyal reader, and I can still only stand reading when you type in a Canadian accent. Christopher Wheeler and Thomas McCarthy are still employed by the organization. What could you possible be getting out of this?"
Well, Loyal Reader...while I hear what you are saying and can agree with most of it, there is one point of contention here. Someone is definitely listening. There is something very different about this Phillies team this year, and, without a doubt, much of the credit for this change can go to Yours Truly.
In 82 blog posts last year, I focused on the shortcomings and failures of one Raul Ibanez in approximately 93 of them. That's right. Raoops was such a tragic piece of Phillies history that he defies all laws of mathematics. My undying loyalty to the Phillies and hatred of Ibanez undoubtedly led to the best non-re-signing of someone in sports history.
I recently started reading (and when I say "reading," I mean "listening to on tape") the Harry Potter series. I know, I know...I'm about 14 years behind everyone else. And I'm only through book 3, so, please, no spoilers. But in reading them and seeing the movies at this time rather than at a pop-culturally-appropriate time, it is allowing me to make some awesome connections to the Phillies since it is so fresh in my mind. We all know that Raoops is absolutely Lord Voldemort. And we all know that due to Ron's fear of spiders and love of food, I am absolutely more of the Ron Weasley-type. At this moment in time, however, I feel when I look in the mirror that I am lacking a certain lightning-bolt-shaped scar on my forehead. Why, you ask? Well if you can't figure that out by now I feel sorry for you, but I'll explain anyway. I have saved all of us from The Dark Lord. He Who Must Not Be Named is no longer a threat to our organization because of me. If he ever tries to return, I will still be here to fend him off (and maybe some stuff happens in books 4-7 that don't completely agree with this comparison that I'm making, but can we please just go with it?). Someone important somewhere has been reading this blog (perhaps Domonic Brown, who followed me on Twitter for a short period of time?) and has come to see that the people truly despise Raul Ibanez. Also, he totally sucks. Would I dare say that I'm better than Harry Potter? Well, I got rid of the a-hole and managed to let my parents live. You be the judge.
So enough with the Harry Potter geek-fest. The worry now quickly becomes: Who is going to play left field for us?! How can we so quickly replace a miserable bat and a scarecrow with a glove? If you've ever talked to me for more than 90 seconds, you know that the answer to that question is John Mayberry. If you're not satisfied with that, however, here are a few other options that would be just as well or better suited to play in the outfield and take up a spot in our lineup:
- Domonic Brown - minor league outfielder
- Matt Stairs - unemployed Canadian
- Jim Thome - a Philadelphia favorite who may or may not know how to run anymore
- Lenny Dykstra - former Philly and current gambling addict
- Tommy Murphy - Pennridge basketball player who hates Raul enough that he would naturally do the opposite of him in any situation
- A bat - if we sat a bat in the batter's box with no actual batter, it would be just as likely to get a hit
- A glove - if we sat a glove in the outfield with no person wearing it, it would be just as likely to make a play
- Some guy who had no arms and did an assembly at Pennridge last year - he has no arms
- Whitney Houston - too soon?
- A scarecrow with a glove - seriously, is this that bad of an idea as compared to Raoops?
Whoever it is, we know one thing: It's not Raul Ibanez. That's all that really matters. And now we know that the Yankees have zero chance of winning the World Series. Have fun with that.
While it is unfortunate to not have him around solely for someone to blame all of our problems on, it is also fortunate because we will most likely have no problems now that he is gone. Many question if good can really exist without evil. In much the same way, they ask if this blog can survive without its biggest enemy. Who will I rant about when I just want to be angry? I have a feeling we'll be OK. As stated earlier, Thomas McCarthy and Christopher Wheeler are still employed by the organization.
I look forward to a fun year, and I'll be sure to get a few more posts in before the season starts in just over a month. Things to look forward to between now and then: analysis of who joined the team, analysis of who left the team, an updated High Hopes Glossary, and a fundraising effort to help keep the blog alive! Stay tuned!
*Did I just compare myself to Tim Tebow? Absolutely.
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